the deafening silence

silence is loud, and it hasn’t ever been as loud as it has been this past couple years. my photography career came to an abrupt pause after being slaughtered by lady un-luck and her sick game of fate. a hard-drive died before I could finish working with it and many failed attempts trying to revive it, then almost immediately my $5k editing laptop died with a lot of work not yet transferred onto my duel nas backup system… which shortly after also died. noone warned me about hidden cost to beach living, and to say it was devastating was an understatement. throw in divorce, serious health issues, having to relocate overseas, more visa drama (it never ends), constantly being reminded of your fragile human existence, continually knocked down - each time getting up feels harder and harder. exhausted, completely defeated and loosing the one thing that brought me happiness, it felt like a never ending fever dream. I laid low, worked on my health, forever feeling embarrassed with myself, a failure… I was spiritually dead. I still have a lot of healing to go, and nor do I have the funds or stamina to rebuild from scratch, but I still have film. its going to be a slow reintroduction, a crawl. back to the person I once was and miss…. but its all I know.

today I was reminded of the joy, albeit fleeting… that reintroduction to the pure energy one feels during an impromptu photoshoot of my dear friend and inedibly talented artist Gina Osorno from Merida (Yucatan) hugged by the endless colors of the centro district street vibes. so if film is all I have left then so be it, it will be the last thing I will part with in this realm. but I am not admitting defeat, its going to be a tough road back to good health and finding my feet again - I was never taught there was an option called giving up.